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Ronan's report

Friday December 19th, 2014

It’s the Christmas Season again, funny how that happens over and over again. It is time to think of what you are giving and getting for Christmas. Just what do you get for the fly fisher or fishers in your life who has EVERYTHING?

A new fancy new gadget that will untangle the mess of tippet in your fly vest pocket, or a new fly rod made of the newest miracle stuff brought back from the Mars Space rover, that will turn a novice fly caster into a rocket caster and the next faceless fly fishing god or goddess? .

A new fly line that is laser guided that will never tangle and floats and inch above the water, and shoots with rainbow stars out the end of the miracle fly rod, or how about the new leader that magically avoids windknots and never shortens. Ohh I want one of those!!

What about a box of dry flys that never sink and never come apart and that sends sonic signals that lure fish to them and make them bite! What about streamers that have side sonar that seek the correct level in the water column to pass right in front of the fishes and wiggle seductively in front of them ? .

I heard Redington is making a new pair of waterproof zipper front waders that never gets wet and have heater wires in the crotch area, for winter fly fishers, Simms to follow soon with a summer model that has a pouch for ice and beer! .

How about wading boots from Korker that double as dancing shoes in Patten brown leather, and a wadding belt that has a rocket pack to jet past gear chuckers that low hole you on the steelhead rivers .

I want to pick up the new tactical cloaking sunglasses that make you invisible to brown trout on a chalk stream and bone fish so you can wear your Hawaiian shirts while fly fishing in the imaginary Salt water supper flats ( I need these) .

I need the new fly fishing vest that folds out to a tent for gourmet lunches complete with wine service and candles, no more squished peanut butter sandwiches, and warm beers .

I also want the new anti-felt Moonboots from Hodgeman for sneaking along the streams in New Zealand with out spooking the only fish within a mile and a half. .

How about the Hyde self-cloaking self-propelled drift boat that does not need a rower and no more spooking fish with bad boat positions and imagine all the fish you could steal from bank fly fishers also no more looking for a sucker to row while you fish

I demand the lazer guided Fish Extending Capture Kit Net or FECK Net that guaranties never to loose a fish and will automatically add 8 inches to the length and 4 pounds to the weight of any fish caught .

And it must suck to be Paul Arden, having his Spawning day this close to Christmas nobody ever gets you a strictly Birthday or Christmas present or party, Happy Birthmas or Christday to you sir, I hope you have a good one, and today is the only day I wish you catch more fish than I do! Enjoy your day .

PS didn’t you have a birthday last month or was it last August?

Here’s some advise for enjoying all the Christmas parties you will be attending

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare... You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand and wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a great holiday season!!

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