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Ronan's report


Friday 13th April, 2012

Well Paul is getting ready FFS, Eric is thinking about dry fly fishing for sure , and like Trev I can’t stop thinking about , and it’s in my back yard. The days seems to stretch on forever warming and getting wetter, and warmer, did I mention warmer, not sure if this extended spring is going to last much longer. Just did the oil change on the Ravioli4 and cleaned her up after a winter of wet waders and coffee farts, hell even rotated the tires, but and there is always a but, have yet to clean up the fly gear, fly lines looking a little worse for wear, sort of like dark dirty butchers twine, float for about 7.6 seconds, fly rods have some rock snot stuck to them that needs sandblasting away, reels need to be heated with a torch to get separated and lubed, cork handles need a Texas Road crew to fill the holes, my damn nippers need an angle grinder to get sharp again from pinching barbs. Let’s not talk about the waders, seeping at the crotch, not a pleasant feeling, material giving away at the knees and inside seams, pockets not sewn all the way up. My Boots are bomb proof, when liberal amounts of aqua-seal are applied, must remember to clean out the bottom of the backpack, crushed beer cans, and lunch wrappers and about 14km of discarded mono/fluoro add some weight, need to get my teeth fixed from biting split shot, my damn fly fishing jacket needs a big dose of “febreeze and a soak in the water-repellent shit, and must empty the right hand pocket of all the cigar butts.

I have not repaired the SAGE rod case from when the mountain field mouse bandit made a four course meal out of it and my hat, ohh my poor hat .

Better stop pissing and moaning about all the work I have to do, and get at it, summer will be hitting me in the head soon. The thing is I could hire somebody to do all the shit I have to do, but I want it done right! To my exacting standards, to perfection, hay it’s raining, Hmmmm I’m going fly fishing!!!!!.

To do things right you must look at it from a mans perspective as indicated below. Just kidding Glenda!!!!!

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN AND WOMEN

Oil Change Instructions for Women:

1)Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 5000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

• Oil Change $30.00

• Coffee $1.00

Total: $31.00

============================================================

Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1)Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open first beer and drink it.

4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car. Jack up vehicle.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of storing it for recycling.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to liquor store to buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. (Note that the filter companies tell you to do this just to ensure that the GASKET is actually there...)

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Cleverly steal sand from kids' sandbox to cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and skin knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy, and smashed it.

36) More beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife to make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

• Parts $50.00

• DUI $2500.00

• Impound fee $75.00

• Bail $1500.00

• Beer $40.00

Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done RIGHT!!!

Pic Of Day

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