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Ronan's report

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He wandered into the shop and at first I thought he might be some kind of nutter. I said "Hello there, can I help you?".

He said, "Well I have a question" and reaching into his rucksack, pulled out a woolly scarf. "I've got this er, scarf? and was wondering? are there any other kinds?"

I guessed from the multiple rising intonations, the red nose and the shivering, that here in front of me was a very cold Australian.

"Ummm, well we have woolly ones like yours. We also have towelling ones which you can use to dry your hands as well!"

"Ahh... the towelling one? Is it any, you-know? warmer than a normal scarf?"

"Not particularly"

"What if I wore it in addition to my woolly scarf?" he said quickly and with a hint of desperation.

"Well, yes. That would indeed be warmer than one scarf on its own"

"Great! I'll take it!"

We then had a very similar conversation that started along the lines of "I've got this woolly hat?" and which ended with us ordering a fleece lined trappers' hat with ear-flaps.

Our (relatively normal and quite likeable) customer turned out to have recently arrived in Scotland from the west coast of Australia and, never having been out of a tropical environment was obviously suffering from climate-shock. We ended up having a great conversation, and he left understanding more about the need for layering, wind-proofing, and if all else fails, goose-down.

I hadn't the heart to tell him that it had been quite a mild winter so far.

Scotland is a cold country. However if you looked at the thermometer you might not think so. We don't get the crazy minus-temperatures that Scandinavians and Canadians experience. We don't often get the tens of feet of snow and ice that these guys get. But that doesn't mean it isn't a bit parky around here.

I remember talking to Stefan about this. Stefan is from Northern Sweden, where winter sees temperatures consistently in the minus tens-of-degrees. I asked him about living in those kinds of temperatures and he replied that he'd rather have the dry cold that they get up there near the arctic circle, than the damp and wet chill that we get over here. Stefan also couldn't believe how crap our housing is, as far as draught-proofing and insulation goes. "People would die if they lived in these houses in Sweden," he said. Yes Stefan, they die over here too.

So, there are different kinds of cold. Everyone knows that the Inuit have lots of words for different kinds of snow but oddly, I can't find anything about them having different words for cold. I looked up the Scots dictionary and found 20-odd words referring to either cold weather or the feeling of being cold. I particularly like Greesach, Oorlich, and Rawlie.

For me there are three main kinds of cold. Firstly there's the excoriating chill of a dry east wind. The kind of cold that, no matter how well you're wrapped up, makes it feel like your cheeks are about to drop off and clatter to the hard ground like a couple of hockey pucks. This is a cold that rips at your skin and through your body. It makes your nose run, and has you jumping up and down doing star-jumps.

Then there's tombstone cold. This is the heavy, creeping, moss-encrusted and damp cold that sneaks up on you when you're not expecting it. You're cold before you know it. This marrow-chilling cold slows you down and seems to come from your core. Rather than doing star jumps you just want to bury your chin deeper in your scarves, and your hands in your armpits. If you had a duvet you'd crawl under it. If you haven't got a duvet (goose down!) you're in trouble. Try and keep moving (star jumps!), get some warm food and drink, get someone to give you a hug, or a thicker coat. Just don't go to sleep, you may not wake up.

Finally there's 'taters. Pronounced "tayters", as in "it's blooming 'taters out here Sarg!" That's a line in a vaguely remembered telly ad. from my early youth. Apparently 'taters is cockney rhyming slang: Taters = taters in the mould = cold.No, I don't know what it means either, but when you get up in the morning and the boiler's conked out again, the house is, indeed, a bit 'taters.

Will

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