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Ronan's report


Friday 1st June, 2011

Heading out for a couple of days of fishing. It does have a purpose , I am getting out of her hair, and of course I am fly fishing with the Fly line I have been testing for most of the winter. I will be testing it turning over big Foam flies with little foam flies tied to the big foam flies fat ass, two of them and sometimes I will even make the last one a sunk one. .

I hope the fish fairies are kind to me and lead the fish to my offerings. The only issue with going this weekend is that it is CANADA DAY WEEKEND and that means most of the people in the mountains and around the streams may well be Mental Midgets.. Now let me qualify that these fools think that the Alberta Eastern slopes are their bathrooms, it is where they go to shit all over the place and get pissed, and play in the waters. Now of course there are many many that go to the Eastern slopes, random camp and are just great people, of course they enjoy the space and go home, it is not them that you read or hear about. They clean up their camping areas, and leave the place in better shape them they found it, those folks I like, and can even tolerate to some degree.

There are a few and by few I mean a hell of a lot that just ruin it for every one else, have you ever had a birthday party or house party that some friend of a friend showed up and pissed in the sink, took your mothers good china for shot glasses , injected your Dads insulin in to the Dog, smoked crack with your Grandfathers 1800s briar pipe, swung off the roof into your pool wearing your mothers bra and nothing else, then invited 20 of his friends to your house for more of that type of fun, sounds like a great time until you clean up after they leave……..

I hope this province makes some sound changes to the rule of random camping and the shit that goes on out in our forests. The main reason for this hope is that that is where the rivers and streams are, and where I like to hang out. I rarely go on long weekends, I am never sure I can control my temper when faced with one of these pseudo-rednecks. Now before Clark Reid tears me a strip these types are not even from the same planet as real rednecks. They have no respect, honour, or understanding, they have no concept of what a real redneck stands for or even looks like, I saw redneck straw hats for sale in CTC (made in China)..They sell the look $19.99CND for the weekend, Then I guess these types go back to selling burgers at A&W or CD’s at Wally-world on Monday, telling all the other pimply faced draggy drawer’d , knuckle dragging drooling, pushed through High Skewl just to get rid of them, mush minds, about how great the mountains are, and how in touch with nature they were while running their shitty little quad or DB up and down that little crick, and how primeval they felt jumping through the biggest bonfire ever dude! While shouting "Fire it up, Fire it up"..

OK rant over, I will let you know how it went next week if my wife posts my bail, and the meds kick in!!

For all you Wannabe Red Necks that want to get started on the right foot (that is the foot with only six toes) here are some BASIC TIPS!

BASIC TIPS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion - especially if it’s your own.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


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