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Ronan's report

Monday February 5th, 2007

Firstly: here's a press release from RIO.

Secondly: Bob is completely wrong and not for the first time, when he said that "Realistic Flies were Bollocks!" - yesterday. For example, the reason I invented the Royal Fuckup was because I was having problems with the Royal Wulff. As Sean Geer said, "The Royal Wulff is for anglers who couldn't match the hatch if they fell through it", which is true, but unfortunately here in New Zealand it's much more than that as there can be no disputing the fact that NZ trout eat the shit out of Royal Wulffs. Which pissed me off for many years.

And the more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. I mean what looks like a Royal Wulff? Nothing. Not with that banded body of green, red, green; it reminds me of a traffic light... BOLLOCKS (Bob) - if Ultra-realism is bollocks then WTF is this? Ultra-attractorism? I hate the Royal Wulff. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. It's like waistcoats. Anyway..

Trout really eat Royal Wulffs. Why? I asked myself? Why would a trout - normally quite sensible - and even Brown Trout which are traditionally moody and dour.. and slightly more cunning of course - eat Traffic Lights? What's that all about? It's certainly NOT a mayfly, Eric, so don't give me any of that bollocks. So having been presented with this seemingly impossible conundum, I solved it in my mind to much personal satisfaction, by determining that Trout were in fact eating Royal Wulffs because they thought they were a form of beetle.

Ah-ha! With that peacock body and red (some beetles have red legs, especially here in NZ), now everything makes sense. The Trout thinks Royal Wulffs are beetles.. But of course the Royal Wulff doesn't look very much like a beetle. It's close, you know the colours are right, but it's not what you and I would call ultra-realism. And so I fucked with it..

At first I turned it into a Suspender. Which worked rather well actually. One could only assume the surprise of the trout to discover that Royal Wulffs had an aquatic stage to their life cycle. And by mixing the peacock and the red floss and turning it into a rope I managed to change the Traffic Light appearance into something considerably more realistic.

But it wasn't until I applied a three-hackle backwards hackle whipfuck manoeuvre did the fly move into a new stratosphere. That's when I realised I had taken flytying and flyfishing to a new level. The Royal Fuckup really heralds a new age in Flyfishing. From its humble beginnings as a Coachman - handy fly when they're on white moths FFS - like that ever happens - to the Royal Coachman - eh? - into the Royal Wulff - Traffic Light - and finally into the Royal Fuckup - flyfishing has never been this good before.

So where to now for the Royal Fuckup? Can it get any better? Can it get any more fucked-up? It's difficult to say for sure, but as Mel Kreiger once said, "When you get to the top of the mountain keep on casting." That's how I feel about flytying. I'm at the top of the mountain now, and I'm still tying. There's something quite spiritual about it.


At the top of the Mountain

Spanish Foro.



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