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Dear Doris


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Ronan's report

Friday June 23, 2006

Yes dears it’s me, Doris. I’m sorry I have been away, I’ve been baking scones and making jam for the Royal family. I could tell you a few stories about Charles and I. The skiing, the picnics, the late night phone calls, the liquid latex. Ahhh, memories, Ahhh Bisto.

I am normally a happy go lucky sort of gal, but when I saw last months Snapclasp I almost choked on my sherry. Impostor! I had been strung up like a wet kipper, used, my reputation in tatters. How could they do this to me? I go on holiday for 6 months and what happens? Betrayal, dears, betrayal.

Well, from now on that’s it; there’ll be no more pale imitations and no more bad advice. I will be here waiting for your call. I will take your problems and I will turn them inside out. Sex, casting, baking, ironing, flytying, orthopaedic mattresses. Is your 16 year old mail order Thai bride behaving herself? I can help! Trouble losing weight? Try the new “Haven’t seen my feet in ten years” diet plan. All US orders receive a complementary 10% pity discount.

Whatever the problem, I can help, or Paul will send you a free Sage XP.

Thank you and good night.

Next week: How to bake the perfect fairy cake using a genuine fairy.

The original and best,
Doris Patricia Umbunga Horris.

Pic Of Day The Magnificent

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