Friday October 3rd, 2008
With the onset of the close season for trout here in the UK, ZAPPP Ltd staff and agents should be aware that the sales of standard tackle items will absolutely cease for approximately 6 months.
Nevertheless, in addition to an increase in the sales of our unique “Bugling of the Whales” and “Music for Trapping” LPs, calming Gong Bath Sets and Do It Yourself “Bob Cobbing” sound poetry experiments, we expect demand to dramatically increase in home taxidermy products as irritable anglers frantically stuff squirrels and the occasional heron to wile away the hours over the dark winter months
However, despite the desperate efforts of Mrs Mercy Shagg and her team in the ZAPPP procurement department we have been unable to secure what we believe to be an adequate supply of Numbers 8 and 11 squirrel sized glass eyes for a prolonged winter close season. This may also effect anglers wishing to stuff Mink or Martens as the use of smaller or larger eyes may result in a myopic aspect and brow droop on the finished lamp or worse, squinting or mismatched slippers.
There are no issues with round pupils for birds, irregular pupils for fish, and the veined iris for dogs and foxes. We recommend the following size of eyes for the common urban quadrupeds regularly found in the London and Home Counties Metropolitan Area National Reserve all of which may be made into serviceable bedside lamps or bookends :-
12-14 Rabbit, Small Dogs, House Cat.
14-16 Fox, Feral Park Cats, Black Bear.
17 Elk Hounds, Wild Spaniels and The Common or Garden Suburban Boar.
18-20 Puma, Jaguar, Small Deer.
21-24 Large Deer, Tiger.
25-28 The Alexandra Palace and Park Road Calming Moose, Urban Elk, Horse, Cows and Lions.
The catalogue contains ready to use head forms with bulb and shade fittings, rug and robe trimming stitching patterns and prewired artificial wagging tongues and wiggling ears for novelty alarm clocks and door bells.
The ZAPPP Ltd Colonic Knotting Tool and Bung/Valve Fitment Set for the manufacture of inflatable skins is available for hire from the Department of Personal Flotation Devices.M.
ZAPPP LTD......Totally Stuffed......
